My story
Medicated
During my studies, in psychiatry classes, when SSRIs were discussed, the instructor spoke about them with great passion and excitement. He presented the theory of disturbed biochemical balance and the beneficial effects of antidepressants on neurotransmitter regulation (at that time, this theory was still current; today we know it was merely a scientific-sounding marketing slogan).
As a young student struggling with shyness, I believed that these medications could be beneficial and help with social anxiety. After the classes, I scheduled an appointment with the lecturer, who was also a psychiatrist.
The visit lasted about 20 minutes, and after a brief description of my issue, I left with a prescription for sertraline. After an adjustment period, when the medication started working, I felt great—or at least I thought so. The social anxiety seemed to disappear, my thoughts slowed down, and I stopped worrying.
I remained in this state for a few years. I noticed side effects such as decreased libido, increased drowsiness, and sweating, but I didn't pay much attention to them. Friends and family mentioned that I behaved differently at times, sometimes inappropriately, but I didn't perceive it. It was only when my partner pointed out my lack of interest in sex and being emotionally distant that I, in consultation with my doctor, decided to discontinue the medication.
Discontinuation attempt
I discontinued sertraline during my final year of neurobiology studies. The doctor instructed me to stop abruptly, claiming it was safe. Initially, the withdrawal symptoms were mainly physical—flu-like symptoms, sleep problems, appetite changes, and odd bodily sensations. After a few weeks, however, they transformed into something entirely different.
Gradually, I lost the ability to feel emotions, both positive and negative. Everything became indifferent and empty; I lost my emotional capacity. I was chronically fatigued, unable to engage in any activities—from studying and listening to music to social interactions and sexual activity. My libido disappeared, and I lost sensation in my genitals. I felt alienated from my own body. Additionally, I became very nervous and irritable in a way I hadn't experienced before. Suicidal thoughts emerged. Due to my severe condition, I had to stop working on my master's thesis to focus on saving my health and life.
Concerned about my condition, I sought help from a doctor who dismissed my concerns and suggested going back on the medication without much consideration. Desperate, I resumed taking sertraline. The symptoms slightly eased, but the medication's effects were no longer the same, and new side effects emerged, including severe sexual dysfunction and akathisia.
Distressed by the situation, I sought help online and found the Surviving Antidepressants forum, where I learned that I wasn’t alone in experiencing this. What I was going through was known as protracted withdrawal syndrome. Determined, I decided to try again and endure whatever awaited me after discontinuation.
Protracted Withdrawal
I discontinued the medication again, this time more slowly. What unfolded afterward is difficult to put into words—it was undoubtedly the worst period of my life.
For the first two years after discontinuation, I was unable to function independently. Most of the time, I lay in a state of severe depersonalization and numbness. My physical and emotional sensations were almost nonexistent. Suicidal thoughts plagued me daily, with one attempt. I frequently experienced neuro-emotions—disproportionate reactions to stimuli, often aggressive and out of context. I couldn't form relationships or work. My sexuality ceased to exist. I looked terrible. Engaging in any activity was impossible due to intense apathy. Cognitive functions were severely impaired, especially short-term memory and its consolidation process, making me feel like I had dementia. Derealization was a daily companion, and I felt this state would never end, that it was my new reality.
During this time, I relied on an online support group dedicated to medication withdrawal. I was one of the more skeptical users, questioning every recovery story, strongly convinced that these drugs caused permanent damage.
Over the following two years, I painfully and gradually learned to function again with my dysfunctions: fakeing emotions and forcing myself to be active despite feeling no satisfaction from anything. I also attempted to regain my health by experimenting mainly with diet and physical activity.
2018, two months after quitting Sertraline.
2024, shortly after completing the grueling 'Runmageddon' race
Healing
Fifth year post-discontinuation was a breakthrough period when I began experiencing what are known as 'windows' (recovery occurred in cycles of windows and waves). Initially, I attributed this to external factors, but over time, I noticed genuine improvement.
During this period, I placed significant emphasis on physical activity and dietary restrictions. I developed methods that were beneficial and supported the healing process, while also eliminating harmful factors that seemed to slow down my progress.
In 2024, there was significant improvement in all symptoms: cognitive functions improved (starting from a point where I couldn't read), emotional functions and feelings returned, the zest for life came back, and I began to enjoy my sexuality again.
If not for determination and the desire to escape the hell that is undoubtedly protracted withdrawal syndrome, I probably wouldn't be here today. This challenging experience taught me a lot about myself and gave me a new perspective on people and the struggles they face. Now, I am transforming my years of suffering into something positive by helping others survive this difficult period and reclaim themselves. If I could make it through, so can you!
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